Four years, that’s how long it’s been since my first major romantic-related heartbreak. Details are unimportant; there’s no need to air out someone else’s dirty laundry. All I will mention is that I ended it because of how I was treated. The pain has dulled and the bitterness has drained over the years.
I now have an incredibly loving boyfriend. He helped me through the waves of bitterness that raged when my ex tried to return. He’s stuck with me through thick and thin over the past two years. I’ve curbed the thirst for some sort of vengeance. In fact, I can’t even imagine returning to my ex anymore.
Despite this, my subconscious sometimes pulls my ex from the archives of my mind and places him in my dreams. These dreams often have my current boyfriend’s actions in the wrapper of my ex. Honestly, I don’t think this is a desire for my ex to return. But I do think it is my mind trying to find the last little pieces of closure, a need revealed when I read two ‘poems.’
*all rights belong to Rupi Kaur and her book Milk & Honey, photo taken by me*
These two pieces brought back memories. I remember talking with my roommate back then (and current BFF) at the Grille. I remember her asking how nice it would be if my ex came back and we were to get back together. I remember how quickly I answered ‘no’ with a small look of disdain on my face. Most importantly, I became mindful of why I try to keep that bridge burnt.
Healing takes time and patience, people say. But I’ve realized that even when we’re over something, we can still feel the pain. However, feeling that doesn’t always mean we haven’t moved on.
The pain is just the feeling of your heart beating against a war-torn chest. You’re still alive, breathing and moving. You can still feel the love, the joy, and the pleasure. When the sting you feel when you inhale a bit of that stale air ebbs, you will be left with a reminder. You lived through it and you can do it again.